How to Tell if Someone is a Narcissist

After this interview I did for ELLE about whether or not social media is creating narcissists, a strange thing happened.

A bunch of people from all over the country emailed me describing their bosses, ex's, friends, partners, in-laws, and so on - and everyone wanted to know the same thing,

Does this thing their {ex, mom, boss, etc.} do make them a narcissist?

I stayed up late (past 10pm) reading and responding to those emails, but at some point, I decided to stop responding one by one and write this instead.

So, here it is! Everything you ever wanted or needed to know about narcissists, how narcissism works, and whether or not narcissists can ever change.

Let’s start with that one friend of yours whose main hobby is posting selfies, does that count?

Social media doesn't technically create narcissists in the same way that Vegas doesn't technically create gamblers. That said, one of the top three pervasive features of narcissism is a constant need for admiration, and nothing instantaneously satisfies that need quite like a heart icon wrapped inside a talk bubble.

Interestingly, empirically validated studies are beginning to demonstrate distinct correlations between those who possess narcissistic traits (entitlement, superiority, self-absorption, etc.) and those who are more active, have more followers, and post more often on social media.  Still, the classic rule applies: correlation does not equal causation.

The truth is we all have narcissistic tendencies; like all identity constructs, narcissism operates on a continuum. On some level we all want to feel special, be admired, and seem important in some way – social media strokes these natural egoic needs.

While social media is an ideal playground for narcissists, there's a big difference between vying for attention and being a narcissist.

According to the DSM V, less than 1% of people are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personal Disorder (though narcissists don't typically seek treatment, so there's that). While we tend to throw the term around these days, true narcissism is rarer than we think.

A tell-tale characteristic of a narcissist is a lack of empathy for others. This incapacity can be hard to spot; many narcissists can feign caring about others well, but their concern is really for the way others relate to them. Narcissists always bring it back to themselves.   

Another way clinicians are trained to assess narcissism is with 'level of pervasiveness.' Some people are really arrogant and entitled at work, but get home and are a little more down to earth, for example.

Not narcissists; their narcissistic traits pervade multiple aspects of their life.

Across the board and in every context, narcissists demonstrate patterns of grandiosity, the need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Those are the three main qualities to look for when trying to figure out if you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Some examples of things narcissists might do regularly:

• Cut to the front of the line because they believe their time is more valuable and their needs are more important than others.

• Want to be associated with the best of everything; they insist on having THE dermatologist, THE yoga instructor, going to THE restaurant, etc.

• Broadcast the ways in which they’re admirable (for example, they make a point of telling others how kind they are by describing all the kind things they did for someone).

• Overwork their employees or expect others to accommodate their schedule; they can disregard the toll their demands take on others' personal lives.

• Become haunted by criticism (Freud called this 'narcissistic injury’) and in fact have a fragile sense of self-esteem.

• They’ll seek out fawning, praise, and attention from people who will hero-worship them (referred to as ‘narcissistic supply’). 

Those are the basics, but if you want to get really specific…

The DSM V is the diagnostic manual I referenced earlier; it provides a clear list of criteria that must be met before someone can officially be diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Five or more of the following must be present and pervasive in a variety of contexts (professionally, personally, etc.):

- a grandiose sense of self-importance

- is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

- believes that he or she is special and can only be understood by other special or high-status people

- requires excessive admiration

- has a sense of entitlement

- exploits relationships for personal gain

- lacks empathy

- frequently jealous of others or thinks others are jealous of them

- displays arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

As the DSM emphasizes, "Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”  

That’s the thing about narcissists, they can't 'shut off' their narcissism. In contrast, people who are merely self-absorbed can step away from those tendencies (even if only occasionally) and open themselves up to a broader perspective, like seeing how their behavior impacts others or making more altruistically motivated choices.

So is your boss / ex-boyfriend / toxic friend always going to be a narcissist, or can people change?

The answer is yes, they can change.

But don’t put money on it.

Narcissists can absolutely grow to learn how their behavior impacts themselves and those around them, and they can also discover new ways of relating to others and engaging in healthy interpersonal reciprocity (i.e. how to be a good friend, a good boss, etc.) - they just don't want to.  

That's because narcissistic behaviors are egosyntonic for narcissists, meaning their behaviors fit in with their idea of who they are; they see no need to change themselves. Narcissists believe those around them should get with the program and accommodate them.

It's a good idea to think about your boundaries in all your relationships, perhaps especially so when dealing with a narcissist. Want some help with that? Read this.

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.