5 Signs of a Bad Listener: (+ what to do instead)

There are so many simple things in life that we unnecessarily complicate; listening is one of them.

Depending greatly on how well you listen, conversations can be distancing, connective, or neutral.

If someone you're talking to does any of the five listening no-no's below, you’ll likely experience distance from that person.

When we’re feeling distant, we’re at risk of feeling isolated.

Feeling isolated, which is to say feeling alone, is a powerful threat to your mental wellness. Below are five ways to avoid using isolating language, and how to connect instead.

Lets start with the #1 most obvious sign of a bad listener:

1.  They judge.

The classic example of judging is any version of, What were you thinking?

The runner up example is, Why wouldn't you just...

People don't make the best choices in real time. When someone is sharing a story about something that upset them, chances are they regret some or all of what happened. It's just plain hurtful when a listener details a litany of obvious, better choices that for whatever reason, weren't accessed at the time. Judging is like hitting an eject button on connection during a conversation.

What to do instead: Validate.

Listen for the feeling they’re expressing. Are they describing feeling uncomfortable, unsure, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, excited? Whatever they’re expressing, validate it by saying something like, “That does sound like such an (insert the predominant emotion they’re describing here) moment.”

2.  They minimize.

C'mon, it couldn't have been that bad....You're making it sound worse than it was.... It was just a joke, take it easy.  

We all have hot buttons, things we may be sensitive about. When our hot buttons are pressed and we're sharing that with someone, the last thing we want to hear about is how we shouldn't have hot buttons in the first place.

What to do instead: Get curious.

Ask them something like, “What is it that bothered you the most about this?” Questions like these invite deeper understanding as to why the issue was taken personally or was otherwise hurtful.

3.  They discount feelings.

There are so many less fortunate people than us in the world, we should just be grateful for our health and opportunities around us.

Comparative suffering (when you compare your struggle to someone else’s struggle) isn’t useful. Empathy is unlimited. Giving someone empathy for what they’re going through doesn’t mean you have to lessen empathy in another area.

People will arrive at a broadened perspective and increased gratitude naturally, once they feel the balm of being seen for what they’re going through.

Trying to achieve emotional equilibrium by intellectualizing the reasons we’re fortunate doesn’t work; it doesn’t work because logical understanding doesn’t guarantee connection. Human beings need connection to thrive, not just logical understanding.

What to do instead: Validate.

You can say something like, “I can see why you’re upset. Anyone would be upset in your situation. I’m sorry you’re going through that.”

4.  They give advice.

Oh, well have you thought about doing X? .... You know what I do is Y, then you can just do Z!    

Ok. This one is tough. So many of us are solution-oriented, and we can see a clear solution for this person who we probably care about, and we get excited!

We want to share, brainstorm, tackle the problem together. The desire to solve problems is a natural impulse.

HOW-EV-ERRR,

Doling out unsolicited advice undermines the talker's sense of competence. The person sharing their problem with you doesn’t need you to fix the problem, they need you to understand that the problem is presenting a real challenge to them.

Remember, the goal when listening is connection, not fixing; they’re not mutually exclusive, but connection must take precedent. The person who’s sharing with you just wants to feel understood; it really is that simple.

What to do instead: See validation above!

If you want to, you can also say something like, “When you’re ready to get hands-on about solutions, I have some ideas; you can always reach out to me anytime if you want me to share them.”  

5.  They don't respond at all.

Silence can be more hurtful than saying the wrong thing. Typically, when we don’t respond to what someone has texted us, shared with us, whatever – it’s because we don’t know what to say.

For the person on the other end of the silence, though, silence is often interpreted as indifference. As if the person who’s not responding simply does. not. give. a. shit.

What to do instead: Tell the truth.  

It’s okay if you don’t know what to say. We’ll all encounter moments when we’re at a loss for words. We don’t always know how to show up for someone who needs us. If you don’t know what to say, just say this, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m so glad you shared that with me. Thank you for sharing that. I’m with you.”

All these responses are about signaling connection. That’s what people want. Connection over solution. We don’t hurt because we have problems, we hurt because we feel alone in our problems.

Helping someone feel understood is one of the greatest gifts you can offer them. Connection is a profound relief.

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.