A 65 Year-Old Letter of Advice from John Steinbeck to his Love-Struck Son

On November 10th, 1958, the Pulitzer Prize winner wrote the below letter to his love-struck son, who had written to his father about hopelessly falling for a woman named Susan.

As both a romantic and someone who loves sending ‘correspondence’ via snail mail, I very predictably love this letter.

From a therapeutic perspective, I also can't help but notice how repeatedly validating, open, and connective Steinbeck's parenting appears to be; it reminds me of that old adage about allowing your parenting to evolve as your children age:

When your kids are young, you’re their manager. When they become adults, you’re their consultant.  

The most quoted line in the letter is, "Nothing good gets away."  

Not to be a buzz-kill, but I don’t agree with that statement.

If you don’t act, some good things can slip away. As Emily Kegan Trenchard puts it, “This is the oldest mistake, to confuse wanting with magic.”

You can’t just want things.

You can’t just hope for favorable things to happen. You can’t just trust that what’s for you will make itself easily accessible to you.

You have to propel yourself forward through action. You have to steer yourself straight towards whatever you deem as “good.” Deliberately. Consistently. Through your thoughts, intentions, and actions. If you do that, then nothing good gets away.

Since no one asked, here’s my favorite line of the letter:

"The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it."

I wonder what your favorite line is?

New York November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

This letter, along with 124 other incredible pieces of correspondence, can be found in the bestselling book, Letters of Note. For more info, visit Books of Note

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.