Why Denial Is a Good Thing

It’s easy to see someone’s situation from the outside looking in and think, “It’s so obvious that they need to do XYZ”…leave the miserable relationship, quit the toxic job, etc. But obvious choices aren’t obvious to someone who’s in denial.

We’ve all been in denial; it’s a natural part of the growth process.

Most of us think denial represents immaturity or inadequacy. We think emotionally intelligent people don’t experience denial; not true.

Denial is a universal experience.

Denial represents how difficult your situation feels against the resources and support you have access to. Denial also naturally unfolds when we’re overwhelmed by trauma.

So much of the work of processing difficult emotions begins with denial, and that’s actually a good thing.

Denial is a defense mechanism. Ultimately, your defense mechanisms are there to protect you. We talk about defense mechanisms like they’re an immediately bad thing; they’re not.

I like to reframe defense mechanisms as ‘protective mechanisms.’ There are parts of your psyche that will kick in when you need protection. Denial kicks in when it would otherwise be too overwhelming for you to feel everything you just experienced in one fell swoop.

Ideally, denial fades away and you begin to feel and process your experience piece by piece, as you’re ready to.

Ok, so. This is the important part. If you feel upset, angry at yourself, or straight up ashamed of how long it took you to realize something that, in hindsight, seems quite obvious - hi! Join the club.

Give yourself some compassion! your denial kicked in because the situation you found yourself in was overwhelming and hard.

Nobody immediately processes their hardships. As Georgia O’Keeffe put it, “To see takes time.”

And if you’re in the throes of denial right now, consider this: you may be more ready to see the truth than you think.

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.