Why Denial Is a Good Thing

It’s easy to see someone’s situation from the outside looking in and think, “It’s so obvious that they need to do XYZ”…leave the miserable relationship, quit the toxic job, etc. But obvious choices aren’t obvious to someone who’s in denial.

We’ve all been in denial; it’s a natural part of the growth process.

Most of us think denial represents immaturity or inadequacy. We think emotionally intelligent people don’t experience denial; not true.

Denial is a universal experience.

Denial represents how difficult your situation feels against the resources and support you have access to. Denial also naturally unfolds when we’re overwhelmed by trauma.

So much of the work of processing difficult emotions begins with denial, and that’s actually a good thing.

Denial is a defense mechanism. Ultimately, your defense mechanisms are there to protect you. We talk about defense mechanisms like they’re an immediately bad thing; they’re not.

I like to reframe defense mechanisms as ‘protective mechanisms.’ There are parts of your psyche that will kick in when you need protection. Denial kicks in when it would otherwise be too overwhelming for you to feel everything you just experienced in one fell swoop.

Ideally, denial fades away and you begin to feel and process your experience piece by piece, as you’re ready to.

Ok, so. This is the important part. If you feel upset, mad at yourself, or straight up ashamed of how long it took you to realize something that, in hindsight, seems quite obvious - hi! Join the club.

Consider giving yourself some grace. I’m not asking you to...don-don-donnnn: actually be kind to yourself. I’m asking you to consider being kind to yourself.

What would doing one kind thing for yourself look like? What, for example, is one kind sentence you could say to yourself?

The sentence doesn’t have to be solutions oriented or get you into a different mindset, it just has to be kind. Maybe something like, “I know you probably can’t feel it right now, but there’s a past version of you that is so proud of how far you’ve come.”

Let’s keep playing the ‘consider being kind to yourself game.’ I don’t care if it’s not fun for you.

What would doing one kind thing for yourself look like?

Maybe making yourself a hot tea? Playing a song you want to hear? Cooking yourself a delicious, nourishing meal with your favorite spices? Lighting a candle? Getting your car washed?

If you can’t think of how to be kind to yourself, what’s one simple thing that, if someone else did for you or said to you, you’d be like, “Awww, that’s so sweet.” Do whatever you just thought of for yourself.

Imagine, for example, someone walked in the room when you felt burnt out, gross, or otherwise upset and said this to you, “Honey, you have had a DAY. Let me help you rest your feet up on this couch. Here’s a blanket. Be comfy. You must be so exhausted, we gotta get you some rest. Do you want to watch this new movie on Netflix? The plotline is gloriously vapid. No? Ok, well what would help you feel rested? I’ll go get you some tea while you think about it.”

Isn’t that person so kind? Be that person to yourself.

The world will always be waiting for you with all its noise and needs. The world can’t get enough of you, can you blame it? You’re extraordinary. There’s no other you, what’s a world to do?

That means you have to give yourself permission to rest. Rest physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, other words that end in ‘lly.’

Your denial kicked in because the situation you found yourself in was too overwhelming for you to process at once. Your denial kicked in because something in you is working v hard to help you.

Nobody immediately processes experiences; it takes time to decide what meaning we want to bestow on our experiences. As Georgia O’Keeffe put it, “To see takes time.”

If you’re in the throes of denial right now, consider this: you may be more ready to face the music than you think.

You can’t know you’re in denial and be in denail. That little baby chick of truth trying to crack through its shell, give it a little space and time to break through. Don’t yell at the baby chick for not cracking through the shell instantly or fast enough; that’s mean. Be kind. At the very least, consider being kind.

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.