How to Implement Boundaries
Since you read part 1 and now know how to decide what your boundaries are, it's time to implement them. This is the key to having boundaries – the actually asserting them part.
If you’re not asserting and reinforcing your boundaries, you don’t have boundaries; you have some probably-really-good ideas about what your boundaries could be.
Implementing your boundaries can be tricky. There's usually some push-back from people who are used to you acting without boundaries; they may feel confused, inconvenienced, hurt, etc.
What does push back look like?
Other people’s resistance to your boundaries can take on many forms. For example, if you just told a friend you’re not drinking tonight (a boundary) your friend might respond by pouring you a drink and saying something like, “C’mon, it’s one drink.” If you just let your boss know you’re not responding to emails after 6pm (a boundary) you might notice that you get an email after 6pm followed by a text, “Did you see my email?”
Others’ resistance to your new boundaries is normal; it typically happens not because the people in your life are trying to be provocative or unsupportive, but simply because they're used to engaging with you in a certain way. They may be confused by the adjustments in your behavior. They may struggle with setting boundaries for themselves and thereby struggle to honor the boundaries of others. They may not know what a boundary is, or why it’s important to adhere to them.
In any case, you don’t need others to respect your boundaries in order for you to respect your boundaries. For example, if the friend we talked about in the above example pours you a drink, you can still honor your boundaries by not drinking it. If your boss emails you and then sends a text with an expectation of response, you don’t have to respond to either.
How much do you need to explain that you’re about to implement a new boundary?
Every circumstance is different, but it’s generally helpful to give people a heads up about the changes you’re making and why they’re important to you. If we go back to our boss example, you might say something like this, “When I spend my evenings responding to emails, I don’t allow myself the time I need to restore. I come to work the next day burnt out and unable to execute efficiently. I want to bring my best self to this job and produce the best work possible; I need to have off-times to do that.”
A lot of helping professionals (therapists, coaches, etc.) will say things like, “You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You do you.” Ok. That’s technically true, but I’m here to tell you that in real-life application, making sweeping changes without giving anyone notice about what you’re doing is likely to cause a bunch of unnecessary friction.
Communicating is a powerful tool; it invites others to understand what you need, why you need it, and how to best support you.
Withholding communication out of a misguided sense of empowerment (I don’t owe anyone an explanation for anything - this is MY life!) invites confusion, a barrage of questions, hurt feelings, assumptions, and a bunch of other shit that’s not good.
Assume that your boss, partner, friends, family members, etc. want to help you show up in the world in the way you envision yourself showing up in the world; invite them to support you by communicating that vision to them.
If you do your best on your end – you’ve communicated your needs, asserted your boundaries, reinforced your boundaries – and someone continues to push back on your boundaries, that’s good information for you to have. Use that information to make bigger choices about the frequency and intensity by which you want to engage in that role or relationship.
Perhaps the most difficult type of resistance we encounter when setting boundaries is the resistance we feel from within ourselves.
It can be hard to prioritize your needs, but as we went over in part one, protecting your time, energy, and wellness is part of your job as an adult.
Implementing boundaries is all about finding the right language. The following mini-scripts and advice comes from one of the old-school self-care and boundary experts, Cheryl Richardson. Here's Richardson's take on how to find the language to set personal boundaries:
Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.
Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation. If you can't find support from a friend or family member, you may be successful finding a friend {support} online.
Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.
Use simple, direct language.
To set a boundary with an angry person: "You may not yell at me. If you continue, I'll have to leave the room."
To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work: "I've decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I’ll need to call you later."
To say no to extra commitments: "Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family's needs."
To set a boundary with someone who is critical: "It's not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I'd like to ask you to stop."
To buy yourself time when making tough decisions: "I'll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away."
To back out of a commitment: "I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won't be able to give it my best attention. I'd like to help find a replacement by the end of next week."
To set a boundary with a person who borrows money: "I won't be lending you money anymore. I care about you and you need to take responsibility for yourself."
When setting boundaries, there’s no need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.
Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs.
And I’ll add this - expect a learning curve. Setting boundaries is work; you’re learning how to do something new. Even if you’re a boundary setting pro, you might be in a particularly stressful season of your life; chronic stress makes everything harder, even technically “easy” things.
Let yourself stumble along, let yourself have clumsy moments - it’s fine. You’re not in a movie, you’re not always gonna have the perfect line. Give yourself as many chances as you need to get it right; fall down 80 times, get up 81 times. You deserve the peace that boundaries bring.
Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.