Can You Accept a Compliment?

There are three things that a person can do that make it very, very difficult to compliment them. They reject compliments.

Like many rejections, the brush-off happens swiftly. Unceremoniously. And as it turns out, predictably.

Telling a friend, "You look so well rested," turns into a response of pure and unadulterated shock: "REALLY? I haven't washed my hair in days, I think I probably cut it two inches too short. It used to be so thick before I had kids."  

According to these wellness experts, we reject compliments in 3 main ways: 

We DEFLECT, a la launching into something that has nothing to do with the compliment, like the thickness of your hair before you gave birth. 

We IMMEDIATELY RECIPROCATE. This is known as the 'hot potato' response, where someone compliments you and you rush to compliment them right back. "Loved all your comments in the meeting" is met with, "Oh please, you always say the exact right thing in meetings, I'm just trying to keep up with you!" 

We DISCOUNT, "The carrots were delicious!" is met with, "I know I over seasoned them, but it’s nice of you to say that."

Making the choice to accept the good in your life will alter the course of your life.

When we think about accepting the good, we think big picture: our health, love, career opportunities. 

But if you insist on rejecting something as simple as a passing compliment, how can you expect yourself to take in the big stuff? 

Someone is going to give you a compliment soon. Maybe they'll tell you that you're hilarious, brilliant, or inspiring. Maybe they'll tell you you're a good driver, great parent, or that you did something which really helped them. Maybe they'll tell you (hold onto something) that you look pretty, beautiful, handsome, lovely.

Instead of deflecting, immediately reciprocating, or discounting - try something new?

Consider seeing what it feels like to respond to the next compliment someone gives you with these two brief but profound words: 

Thank you.

Sometimes there are legitimate reasons to reject what someone is offering you. Receiving may make you feel beholden to the giver. A compliment may make you feel uncomfortable in a way that has nothing to do with your insecurities. You may simply not want what someone is trying to give you.

All of that is fine. More than fine. I get it. Sometimes someone saying that you’re beautiful, for example, is creepy for reasons that go beyond the scope of this post.

You’re the one who decides what to accept and what to reject. All I’m saying is that it behooves you to make sure that choice is a conscious one.

Katherine Morgan Schafler is an NYC-based psychotherapist, author, and speaker. For more of her work: get her book, follow her on Instagram, subscribe to her newsletter, or visit her site.